Last year, my New Year’s resolution was to get a barrel. I’ve always kind of wanted one. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because I like Donkey Kong, and that guy likes barrels too. I’m not saying in any way that I think I could become Donkey Kong, but I sure can appreciate a good barrel as much as he does.
The hardest part of last year’s resolution was finding a barrel to get. They’re not that easy to buy. I ended up getting mine at a shipyard. At first they offered me an oil drum, but I said no way. I don’t want your stinking oil drum. It’s barrel or bust.
But now I’ve been sitting here with my barrel, and the novelty is beginning to wear off. You can only look at a barrel for so long before you’re like, alright, time to do something with this.
And so, this year my New Year's resolution is to finally get some use out of my barrel.
The first thing I want to do with it is easy. First, I want to cut two holes in the barrel. Then I want to get involved in some sort of chase, maybe by the police or some punk kids. Then I’ll duck around a corner, hop in the barrel, and hide. And as they run past all you’ll see is my eyes poking out of the holes watching.
I think this one will be easy because I’m always getting into trouble with police and punk kids.
The next thing I want to do is go over Niagara Falls in my barrel. I don’t know who started that trend, but I’m a big fan of whoever it was. A few years ago I had a New Years resolution to go down Niagara Falls with just my naked body, and that worked out fine, so this one should be a lock.
You know those prank peanut cans you open up and snakes fly out? I want to do that on a larger, barrel-scale. I’ll load the barrel up and drop it off somewhere funny, like in front of some punk kids. Punk kids love messing with my barrel, so they’ll open it for sure.
And of course, because I love Donkey Kong, I plan on visiting a pizza place and hurling my barrel at some Italians.
After that, I don’t have too many other ideas. I guess one option is that I could become poor and wear the barrel as clothing. I don’t know why people down on their luck wear a barrel with suspenders as clothing, but I guess that’s another use, so I’ll probably try it.
So I suppose that’s it for my New Year’s resolutions this year. They’re completely barrel-themed. I can’t wait until next year when I get a shipping crate.
