Hey it’s me, Dr. Frankenstein. Before you ask, yes, I’m the one who made that terrifying monster. Oops.
Honestly, it was an accident. I mean yes, I did go dig up all those bodies. And I did stitch all the scariest parts together. And sure, I built a machine that shoots lightning and then aimed it at the monster. I’ll give you all that.
But I didn’t know it’d actually make the thing turn alive. So, why did I do it? I don’t want to blame the entire thing on Igor, but I’ll just say this. When you’re out drinking with a hunchback, he’ll make pretty much anything sound like a good idea.
But I’m not just a monstermaker you know. I do other stuff. Everyone loves to talk about Frankenstein’s monster, but nobody wants to talk about Frankenstein’s ooey gooey chocolate chip cookie recipe. Or Frankenstein’s bonsai tree collection. Or Frankenstein’s one man show he’s been working on (I play the tuba in the second act). It’s just about the monster.
Some people think I get annoyed when people call the monster Frankenstein. But really, it doesn’t bother me. Let that thing have my name. I’m trying to build a new identity since everyone hates me now.
I’ve overheard you all planning to drive the monster out of town with pitchforks and torches. I figure you won’t tell me about it because you’re scared it’ll hurt my feelings. It won’t. Go ahead.
In fact, give me a pitchfork and a torch. I’ll join in. Maybe I can use the torch to heat up the pitchfork, creating some kind of new weapon. The hot pitchfork.
I bet you’re wondering, if the monster was such a bad mistake, why’d I go and make it a bride. Is it because I thought giving the monster something to love to make it more human? That’s a good thought, and it would probably make me look better.
In reality, since creating the first one, I’ve accidentally made so many monsters I can’t even keep track of them all. I actually thought that one would be a good match for Igor, but what do I know.
You know when you hear something in the middle of the night, and then you go “ah, it’s probably nothing.” It’s actually probably a monster I made by mistake, and you should be scared.
The other day I accidentally made a monster that had the body of a man and the head of a donkey called Frankenstein’s Donkey Man.Then I made a reciprocal monster, Frankenstein’s Man Donkey. And then I made them fight. I don’t know what that was about.
Some of my monsters are really tall, like the one I created by stacking eight pairs of legs together. But others are short, like the one I made with one pair of feet and zero pairs of legs. I also made that one fat. It’s kind of a gag monster.
Hey, I just thought of a new Frankenstein to make on accident. (I think I’m going to go ahead and start calling all my monsters “Frankensteins.”) Teen Frankenstein. That’d be fun right? Like Teen Wolf.
A lot of people say I’m the true monster, because I’m the one who went against the natural order of things to create a beast I guess? I don’t know what they’re talking about. Obviously I’m not a monster, because I’m not green and I don’t have stitches all over me. Except for the ones on my side from when I fell out of that tree. I was trying to knock down a hornet’s nest to create a stinging monster.
The point here is, there are no excuses for my actions. But I’m out of control. I can’t stop making monsters. Sometimes I’ll trip and fall, and accidentally knock a bunch of body parts onto the electrifying table. And if body parts are on the table, you just know Igor is going to pull that lever.
