— Welcome to our monastery. You’re interested in becoming a monk?
— Yep. It seems like the next logical step.
— And why’s that?
— Nothing better to do.
— And you know this is a serious ordeal? It’s a big sacrifice.
— How so?
— For starters, you’ll have to give up all your worldly possessions.
— Even my luchador mask?
— Yes.
— But maybe I could be a wrestling monk. Did you consider that?
— You have to give up the luchador mask.
— Alright. What else do I have to do?
— We meditate for three hours a day. During that time, we take a vow of silence.
— Can I take a vow of rambling instead? People like it when I ramble.
— No.
— I see you all shaved your heads in a ring. Could I do a mohawk instead?
— What purpose would the mohawk serve you?
— I guess my primary goal would be pride. So I could look in the mirror and see how much cooler I am than the other monks. Or maybe that’s vanity? I guess I’d do the mohawk for a mix of pride and vanity.
— You cannot have a mohawk.
— It sounds like a lot of rules. But I bet it’s worth it. Pays pretty well?
— There’s no pay. You’ll have to take a vow of poverty.
— So if I hit it big on a five-dollar scratchie, I can’t cash it in?
— You cannot.
— Alright. So what’s the woman situation here? Do you ever have mixers with the lady monks?
— There are no lady monks. And you’ll have to take a vow of chastity.
— Who’s Chastity? She sounds hot.
— There are a lot of other vows you’ll have to take as well.
— And do I have to abide by them?
— Yes.
— If I become a monk, how soon will I get some of those robes?
— You would get the robes on your first day.
— And do you need underwear beneath the robes?
— Yes.
— But you wouldn’t be able to tell if I wasn’t wearing any, right? Hey, here's another question. If I got angry at another monk, would I be allowed to hit him on his bald head with my staff?
— We do not condone violence.
— But do you condemn it?
— Do you have any other questions?
— What kind of monastery is this anyway?
— It’s non-denominational.
— What? I thought the sign said dominational. So you aren’t trying to take over the world?
— No.
— Not even the county?
— No.
— Then what are we even here for?
— To find inner peace.
— Man, you sure have a lot of ornate statues around here.
— We do. Each one represents a figure that we could all learn from.
— Do they ever come to life?
— What?
— Like with some sort of monk voodoo.
— We don’t do voodoo.
— Not even a little? I could teach you.
— We do not want to do voodoo.
— Say, what’s all this smoke everywhere?
— That would be the incense.
— Does it get you high or something?
— We are not permitted to do drugs.
— But can you sell drugs? I have a side gig I’d like to keep going.
— You aren’t allowed to have a side gig. Especially one so immoral.
— What if I have a side gig that isn’t immoral so much as amoral? Sort of morally ambiguous.
— Such as?
— Being a ruthless pimp.
— That is immoral.
— Tomato, tomahto.
— You get one more question.
— Okay fine. What kind of TV do you have here? HBO? Netflix? Hulu?
— We do not have any streaming services.
— Not even Tubi?
— I think it’s best that you leave.
— Can I at least hit the gong on the way out?
