posts
i was kidnapped by carnies
28 Apr 2023i was kidnapped by carnies
28 Apr 2023"You know carnies–bad at planning. They’re actually bad at a lot of things if I think about it, like showering and being sober. But they’re especially bad at planning."
"You know carnies–bad at planning. They’re actually bad at a lot..."
the time i got abducted by aliens
23 Apr 2023the time i got abducted by aliens
23 Apr 2023"I figured they were going to do some research on me. I’ve offered my body up to science plenty of times for a quick buck, so I wasn’t too worried. Usually when you’re selling out your body for research, they aren’t allowed to mess you up too badly."
"I figured they were going to do some research on me."
the first caveman to become a hunter
15 Apr 2023the first caveman to become a hunter
15 Apr 2023"Hello, Ugg. Sun is shining today. Hello, Ogg. Yes, good day for gathering. Ogg doesn’t like gathering anymore. Ugg not understand. If Ogg not gather, how Ogg eat? Ogg hunter now. Not gatherer."
"Hello, Ugg. Sun is shining today. Hello, Ogg. Yes, good day..."
things i'd take with me to the afterlife if i were a pharaoh
7 Apr 2023things i'd take with me to the afterlife if i were a pharaoh
7 Apr 2023"If you don’t know, canopic jars are the things that pharaohs had all their organs tossed into when they died. If there’s one thing I know about dead people, it’s that they don’t need organs anymore."
"If you don’t know, canopic jars are the things that..."
my april fools' day pranks alway backfire on me
1 Apr 2023my april fools' day pranks alway backfire on me
1 Apr 2023"The other thing is that you’ve got to make sure you aren’t ending up with the egg on your face after a prank. That can happen a lot, especially if you've got a prank lined up involving a dozen eggs and a trampoline."
"The other thing is that you’ve got to make sure..."