posts
the time i beat up a cupid
14 Feb 2023the time i beat up a cupid
14 Feb 2023"Okay, maybe she was laughing a little. I guess it might’ve actually been a good date, but it would have been better if I were dating the bartender instead of Greg, that’s all I’m saying."
"Okay, maybe she was laughing a little. I guess it might’ve..."
i should've been born when being a jester was a profession
19 Jan 2023i should've been born when being a jester was a profession
19 Jan 2023"I love everything about the idea of being a jester. Your whole job is to make a rich, fat king laugh at you. I think I’d be very good at this."
"I love everything about the idea of being a jester."
your grant proposal for monkey experiments has been rejected
13 Jan 2023your grant proposal for monkey experiments has been rejected
13 Jan 2023"I have returned your proposal to you along with this letter. I suggest you destroy it and never show it to anyone again. These ideas are truly horrible, and I hope you do not pursue them any further."
"I have returned your proposal to you along with this..."
new year's resolutions involving my barrel
5 Jan 2023new year's resolutions involving my barrel
5 Jan 2023"But now I’ve been sitting here with my barrel, and the novelty is beginning to wear off. You can only look at a barrel for so long before you’re like, alright, time to do something with this."
"But now I’ve been sitting here with my barrel, and..."
interviews for santa's replacement
24 Dec 2022interviews for santa's replacement
24 Dec 2022"Santa is retiring and the North Pole is looking for a replacement. We're searching for a fresh Santa with a fun gimmick to reinvigorate the excitement of children around the world."
"Santa is retiring and the North Pole is looking for a..."