posts
people keep throwing me down wells
27 Jan 2024people keep throwing me down wells
27 Jan 2024"All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down one. People are always throwing me down wells. That, or running me out of town."
"All’s well that ends well. Especially when you’re being thrown down..."
pinocchio goes on a date the day after coming alive
10 Dec 2023pinocchio goes on a date the day after coming alive
10 Dec 2023"Hi, I’m Pinnochio. Thanks for meeting me at this bar. I love going to bars. I’ve loved bars the entire time I’ve been alive, which is about as long as you have."
"Hi, I’m Pinnochio. Thanks for meeting me at this bar."
santa made me conductor of the polar express and i messed up big time
3 Dec 2023santa made me conductor of the polar express and i messed up big time
3 Dec 2023"I had usually gotten fired for gross negligence. And a few times for grossout negligence. But at the North Pole, it didn’t matter. Santa’s pretty nice in that regard. He really only cares if kids are naughty. If you’re an adult who acts up, who cares, he says."
"I had usually gotten fired for gross negligence. And a..."
sitting can't be the new smoking—it isn't cool enough
15 Nov 2023sitting can't be the new smoking—it isn't cool enough
15 Nov 2023"They say sitting is the new smoking. Whenever I take a seat, somebody tells me, 'May as well just smoke a pack of Marlboro Reds.'"
"They say sitting is the new smoking. Whenever I take..."
5 cool ways to tamper with your candy this halloween
31 Oct 20235 cool ways to tamper with your candy this halloween
31 Oct 2023"Then I realized there aren’t any laws saying adults can’t trick-or-treat. And so I did it. I came back with my pail of candy and looked for all the tampered-with ones, or as I like to call them, the fun ones."
"Then I realized there aren’t any laws saying adults can’t..."